Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In developments that our editor refuses to call fishy, China’s geopolitical muscle-flexing has led to a major exodus of marine wildlife. Schools of petrified fish were observed to be fleeing in panic moments after Xinhua announced that the Bay of Bengal was now officially part of the South China Sea. This is basis recently discovered evidence that Ming emperor Long Wu had once peed out of a porthole while sailing through. Some of the slower moving fish are reportedly leaping into fishing nets. Attempts to make Indian aircraft carrier Admiral Gorshkov seaworthy have been speeded up. The Sri Lankan Coast Guard has been placed on high alert, as has Angelina Jolie.
Meanwhile, back on dry land, seafood prices in India have skyrocketed. In Calcutta, hordes of prawn-deprived citizens confronted Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, but were too terrified to say anything. The Communist Party of India issued a statement condemning the incident, but no one knows what it said, since it was in Chinese.
The Indian government has reacted swiftly. In a hurriedly arranged press conference, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has promised to address the worried nation, ‘as soon as madam comes back from her morning walk.’