Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.


In a move hailed by sex offenders across the nation, the Haryana Police have promised full co-operation to multi-millionaire former shoe shop owner Gopal Kanda. Mr. Kanda faced a national outcry after a woman he harassed committed suicide yesterday.

“Mr. Kanda did not commit rape,” said a senior Haryana police officer, “Nor did he outrage a woman’s modesty. Harassing a woman to suicide is not a crime under the Indian Penal Code, particularly in Haryana. On the contrary, attempt to suicide is a crime, so it is the woman who is at fault. Had she not succeeded, we would have arrested her.”

Conscious of the importance of the case, the police have planned thoroughly. The victim’s laptop and mobile phone have been handed over to the minister, to enable him to remove any false evidence planted by evil-doers. A special hotline has been set up at the local police station to facilitate threatening the family. All forensic evidence has been moved to an undisclosed location. Preparing for the worst-case scenario, one local jail cell has been fully air-conditioned. A beautician and a manicurist have been kept on 24-hour standby, as have a contingent of Congress Party workers with garlands.

The Haryana Police are very clear about the reasons behind their actions.

“By taking this action, we have ensured that every policeman in Haryana will have a life time supply of shoes,” said the Haryana police chief, “This is in addition to the ones the public throws at us.”


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