Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In a move condemned by bathing beauties across the nation, the government has banned all forms of swimming. This became necessary after the ‘Water Satyagraha’ by villagers in Madhya Pradesh, who jumped into a flooded field and stayed there for 17 days.
“We didn’t exactly jump in,” explained one of the villagers. “When the dam released the water, the water rose around us and we had nowhere else to go.”
The MP government has now conceded the villagers’ demands, after discovering that most of their policemen cannot swim. Inspired by their success, protestors against the Kudankulam nuclear plant have now jumped into the Indian Ocean. Bengal Supremo Mamata Banerjee has jumped into the Bay of Bengal, refusing to come out until all Maoists have surrendered. Industrialist Vijay Mallya has jumped into his bathtub, and will only emerge once employees stop demanding their salaries. Actress Katrina Kaif has denied that she is jumping into the Arabian Sea, although large crowds have formed on the shore just in case she does.
“The situation is rapidly becoming unmanageable,” complained a senior bureaucrat, “From now on, only owners of swimming pools and gazetted officers of the rank of under secretary and above will be allowed to jump into water. In case they are planning to stay for more than 45 minutes, they will require a special permit from the Department of Fisheries.”