INDIA UPDATE

Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.

GOVERNMENT BANS SWIMMING


In a move condemned by bathing beauties across the nation, the government has banned all forms of swimming. This became necessary after the ‘Water Satyagraha’ by villagers in Madhya Pradesh, who jumped into a flooded field and stayed there for 17 days.

“We didn’t exactly jump in,” explained one of the villagers. “When the dam released the water, the water rose around us and we had nowhere else to go.”

The MP government has now conceded the villagers’ demands, after discovering that most of their policemen cannot swim. Inspired by their success, protestors against the Kudankulam nuclear plant have now jumped into the Indian Ocean. Bengal Supremo Mamata Banerjee has jumped into the Bay of Bengal, refusing to come out until all Maoists have surrendered. Industrialist Vijay Mallya has jumped into his bathtub, and will only emerge once employees stop demanding their salaries. Actress Katrina Kaif has denied that she is jumping into the Arabian Sea, although large crowds have formed on the shore just in case she does.

“The situation is rapidly becoming unmanageable,” complained a senior bureaucrat, “From now on, only owners of swimming pools and gazetted officers of the rank of under secretary and above will be allowed to jump into water. In case they are planning to stay for more than 45 minutes, they will require a special permit from the Department of Fisheries.”

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17 comments on “GOVERNMENT BANS SWIMMING

  1. Barb Drummond
    September 13, 2012

    when sea bathing became popular in Britain it was believed that it shortened your life. they even drew up tables showing how long you would not live. Some of these people seem to be planning to die before they are/were born. Is this another paralel universe?

  2. induchhibber (@inducares)
    September 13, 2012

    Oh hilarious!brilliant in fact…so tell me who is going to jump into ‘chullu bhar paani?’None i guess.Those lives are very pricey.

  3. panchali
    September 13, 2012

    Good one!!
    It is a crime to submerge poor peoples’ land without providing alternative means for them …the big shots should die in “chullu-bhar-paani” sic…

    • shovonc
      September 15, 2012

      No, you’re right. They should at least have some place to live. How is this anti-progress?

  4. panchali
    September 13, 2012

    but enjoyed reading this post so much :))))

  5. kayemofnmyk
    September 14, 2012

    I jumped into your post knowing it would make me laugh and I wasn’t disappointed.

  6. vinisha
    September 14, 2012

    hahahah …….that was funny post indeed – it made me rofl 😀 😀

  7. jj
    September 14, 2012

    Mamta should go in a little bit deeper

  8. longytv
    September 14, 2012

    “From now on, only owners of swimming pools and gazetted officers of the rank of under secretary and above will be allowed to jump into water…” Bwa Ha Ha Ha! Were you a bureaucrat at any point in your life? Just asking. Killer stuff!

    • shovonc
      September 14, 2012

      My father was very keen but I managed to divert his attention.

      • longytv
        September 15, 2012

        Alas! If your father had his way, you could have jumped into water without permission.

  9. Artist Beverly Bishop
    September 14, 2012

    One smelly place that is apparently…Sad really, for swimming can be used as a form of relaxation reducing stress and adding to cleanliness…Nothing like a big gulp curse…Great read…

  10. surindernath
    September 14, 2012

    Dr. SMS was overheard :

    “Madamji, Every one is offering me chullu bhar paani but I never learnt swimming. Sinking a country is easy but drowning yourself is difficult. May I have pallu bhar pani, Madamji…..hainji……yours truly……madamji …..I shall be most obliged ji….?????

  11. RAMU DAS
    September 15, 2012

    Well, hello sir, I’ve just learnt from a very reliable source that our respected, and honorable MP, shashi tharoor has made up his mind to plunge into the sea of poppies. The reason is that Mr Tharoor’s pax indica could not beat any of the Chetan Bhagat’s books, nor could have crossed the margin so as to be considered ‘best seller’.

  12. Sovon,
    Enjoyed your post, as always. You missed Subroto Roy of Sahara. 🙂

    • shovonc
      September 20, 2012

      Thanks for the reminder. If he catches me I’ll say it’s your fault.

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This entry was posted on September 13, 2012 by in BREAKING NEWS!! and tagged , , , , , , , .

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