Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In a move hailed by sports enthusiasts everywhere, the Indian Olympic Association has formally seceded from the International Olympic Committee. This was after the IOC de-recognised the IOA for electing Commonwealth Games Scam accused Lalit Bhanot, who happened to be out on bail at the time. Mr Bhanot was elected unopposed, as other eligible candidates were unwilling to risk injury.
The proposed rebel Olympics will have a variety of unique features. All 100 metre sprint contestants will be chased by policemen. Archery and shooting events will use pictures of anti-corruption activist Arvind Kejriwal. Marathon participants will run with Robert Vadra’s luggage. Contestants in the equestrian events will ride tax-paying citizens. All swimming events will take place in a newly constructed swimming pool filled with crocodile tears. Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit will be on standby in case of leakage. 30% of all medals will be reserved for Ordinary Backward Caste, 40% will be assigned by national supremo Sonia Gandhi, and 30% will go to sons and daughters of previous medal winners. Balance medals will be awarded to candidates with athletic ability. Special events such as High Speed Ass Kissing, Rhythmic Rioting, and Lokpal Kabaddi have also been proposed. The Drug Testing Committee will be headed by an elite international panel, including Lance Armstrong, Ben Johnson, and Keith Richards.
Will any actual sports people be involved in the event?
“Expenses have risen slightly more than we had anticipated,” said Mr Bhanot, “But the matter is under active consideration.”