Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
After a thorough investigation, a special task force has come up with a series of measures to help make Delhi safer for women. The task force, which does not hold the Delhi Police in any way responsible, has identified discotheques as a key source of the problem. Discotheques will now have to pay much more to the police to stay open beyond 1 AM. Rates for bus operators without proper ID have also been hiked substantially.
“My colleagues and I are very pleased to have been exonerated by the task force,” said Delhi Police Chief Neeraj Kumar, who headed the task force. “My boss, who was also part of the task force, has nominated me for a bravery award. If you don’t think I deserve it, why don’t you go and sit in a television studio and let Arnab shout at you?”
Could the fact that police do not register cases have anything to do with the problem?
“We thoroughly investigated this aspect also,” said Mr Kumar, “Many members of the public have complained that cases are not being filed. We investigated ourselves to see whether we are doing this or not, and discovered that over 90% of the complaints about police inaction are false. We have requested Sonia Gandhi to change the public, and get us new ones, as the current bunch is not up to the mark.”
In news that has horrified auto enthusiasts, strong measures are also being recommended against police vehicles. As a starting point, the police have submitted details of all vehicles patrolling at the time of the crime to the High Court, but not their occupants.
“These vehicles are becoming extremely unruly,” said Mr. Kumar, “This is what happens when you start giving them names, like the cows back home. I told my boys not to do it, saying we should not encourage the vehicles, but who listens to me? The guilty vehicles will be heavily dented, and they will also be denied painting.”
The interview was abruptly terminated at this point.
“I have to get into my car now,” said Mr Kumar, “Basanti gets very upset if you keep her waiting.”