Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In news that has caused widespread shrinkage, a mysterious gang of miscreants known as the Snipping Crew has announced a nationwide program of involuntary vasectomisation.
“The career of Abhishek Bachchhan was a cause for great concern,” said a spokesperson for the organization. “But the moment Mr Narayanmurthy indicated his son was going to take over Infosys, we knew it was time to swing into action,”
The gang has issued a manifesto, which is currently receiving widespread coverage on all reputed news sites.
“It has come to our attention,” says the manifesto, “That for almost all important positions in India, particularly in business, politics, and cinema, many candidates have no qualifications except for parental sperm. This leaves less opportunities for other citizens, whose parental sperm is not up to the mark. In order to arrest this trend, we will be raiding the homes of select leading citizens, under cover of darkness, and administering swift and painless vasectomies. We will also be circulating at Page Three parties, where we will slip things into their drinks in order to render them unconscious, after which we will have our way with them. Since our manpower is limited, the public is invited to nominate candidates who should be part of our first batch.”
In related news, many VIPs have demanded additional security, while innerwear giant VIP has announced a new range of chastity belts, which will administer high-voltage shocks to prevent unauthorized entry. The Health Ministry has announced the immediate construction of heavily fortified VIP Sperm Banks, in order to ‘protect precious national resources from terrorist attacks’. The Snipping Crew has indicated that they will launch a bombing program against the sperm banks as soon as they are constructed.
“India lacks many things,” said a spokesperson, “But sperm is not one of them.”