Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.


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In news that the Criminal Welfare Association has characterised as ‘extremely unexpected’, the Supreme Court has ruled that it is now compulsory for the police to register all crimes which attract imprisonment of three years or more, such as rape, murder, or annoying Karthi Chidambaran on Twitter.

“This will affect the smooth flow of justice,” said a representative of the IPS Officers’ Association, whose IPO goes live on NASDAQ in December. “Earlier, if a poor person came in, we just clipped them on the side of the head and kicked them out of the police station. Filing reports will slow down this process. We will also need more chairs.”

“Hopefully, we can still beat them up, so long as we file a report,” said Constable Pande of Delhi Police, “Some amount of exercise is required for fitness purposes. Loss of income is another concern. All this reporting-shiporting means less time for collection. New methods may be required. For example, in cases of police verification of residence for passports, we can ask applicants to come to the police station, instead of unnecessarily going to their houses.”

Neglect of VIPs remains a key concern area, particularly in Delhi, where 45,000 out of 80,000 police are deployed for VIP security.

“We may have to reduce this to 40,000,” said a spokesperson for Delhi Police. “The consequences for VIP security could be disastrous. Some of the junior VIPs may have to carry their own shopping.”

Even as a pall of gloom descends over police stations across the land, some remain optimistic.

“I remain optimistic,” said Constable Pande, “So long as no one asks us to buy computers, everything will be fine.”


To learn more about the future activities of  Constable Pande, for a nominal sum of Rs 400 only, click here.


  1. Ganesh Subramaniam
    November 14, 2013

    Not at all fair. What’ll happen to the dignity of the Policemen if they begin talking civilly to “aam aadmi?”

    • shovonc
      November 14, 2013

      Sir, now you are asking for too much. The court has only asked them to file reports. No mother’s son can make them speak civilly.

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This entry was posted on January 14, 2013 by in BREAKING NEWS!! and tagged , , , , , .

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