Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In news hailed by ammunition manufacturers worldwide, India has successfully tested the 290 Km Brahmos supersonic underwater cruise missile. A jubilant scientist announced that “this was the first time a cruise missile has been successfully launched vertically from a submerged platform.” A submerged platform was necessary as India currently has no submarines capable of launching this weapon.
After the successful test of the missile, Defense Ministry officials have now put submarine acquisition on high priority. “If we work day and night,” said a Defense Ministry official, “We should be able to start the bidding process in just three to four years. This means that within less than a decade, we will have the capability to launch the missile we have just tested.”
What will happen if war breaks out in the intervening period? “Robert Vadra will throw the missiles towards China,” said the official, “This is why he spends so much time in the gym.”
Global Arms Industry analysts see this as an encouraging trend. “India has always been the birthplace of innovation,” said Ms. Jane of Jane’s Defense Weekly, “By separating the purchase of ammunition from the purchase of actual weapons to use them with, India has opened up vast new opportunities for the arms industry.”
As per this new trend, officials in the Ministry of Defense have announced that India will soon purchase tyres in bulk, for jeeps that have yet to be purchased, as well as large quantities of shells, for guns which we do not have, along with mountains of pasta, to feed Italians who may be temporarily arrested in the future.
An officer of the Indian Administrative Service, who chose to remain anonymous, has revealed that this new government policy may not be restricted to the defense sector. “So what if certain hospitals have not yet been built?” he said, “It makes sense to purchase the medicines and the equipment. That way, we are prepared. Similar is the case for schools and textbooks. Also public sanitation and toilet bowls. We will be accumulating large quantities of toilet bowls, in anticipation of future bathroom construction, as per a five-year plan which will be developed by Shri Montek Singh Ahluwalia.”
In related news, the Chinese Defense Ministry has declared itself unable to respond, due to what one source described as ‘uncontrollable giggling.’