Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.



In news hailed by ammunition manufacturers worldwide, India has successfully tested the 290 Km Brahmos supersonic underwater cruise missile. A jubilant scientist announced that “this was the first time a cruise missile has been successfully launched vertically from a submerged platform.” A submerged platform was necessary as India currently has no submarines capable of launching this weapon.

After the successful test of the missile, Defense Ministry officials have now put submarine acquisition on high priority. “If we work day and night,” said a Defense Ministry official, “We should be able to start the bidding process in just three to four years. This means that within less than a decade, we will have the capability to launch the missile we have just tested.”

What will happen if war breaks out in the intervening period? “Robert Vadra will throw the missiles towards China,” said the official, “This is why he spends so much time in the gym.”

Global Arms Industry analysts see this as an encouraging trend. “India has always been the birthplace of innovation,” said Ms. Jane of Jane’s Defense Weekly, “By separating the purchase of ammunition from the purchase of actual weapons to use them with, India has opened up vast new opportunities for the arms industry.”

As per this new trend, officials in the Ministry of Defense have announced that India will soon purchase tyres in bulk, for jeeps that have yet to be purchased, as well as large quantities of shells, for guns which we do not have, along with mountains of pasta, to feed Italians who may be temporarily arrested in the future.

An officer of the Indian Administrative Service, who chose to remain anonymous, has revealed that this new government policy may not be restricted to the defense sector. “So what if certain hospitals have not yet been built?” he said, “It makes sense to purchase the medicines and the equipment. That way, we are prepared. Similar is the case for schools and textbooks. Also public sanitation and toilet bowls. We will be accumulating large quantities of toilet bowls, in anticipation of future bathroom construction, as per a five-year plan which will be developed by Shri Montek Singh Ahluwalia.”

In related news, the Chinese Defense Ministry has declared itself unable to respond, due to what one source described as ‘uncontrollable giggling.’


  1. yarnspinnerr
    March 21, 2013

    Incredible India 😉

  2. walkerjay
    March 21, 2013

    Oh, when you said “…cruise missile has been successfully launched vertically from a submerged platform” I initially thought it was launched from a platform from inside that device pictured above, commonly known as commode. Giving a new meaning to Commodore.

  3. sudiptapikuroy
    March 21, 2013

    THE OFFICIAL ANTHEM OF DEFENSE MINISTRY [post the successful launch]

    In the town where I was born
    Lived a man who sailed to sea
    And he told us of his life
    In the land of submarines
    So we sailed on to the sun
    Till we found a sea of green
    And we lived beneath the waves
    In our yellow submarine

    We all live in a yellow submarine
    Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
    We all live in a yellow submarine
    Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

    Full speed ahead, Mr. Boatswain, full speed ahead
    Full speed ahead it is, Sir
    Cut the cable, drop the cable
    Aye-aye, Sir, aye-aye
    Captain, captain

    As we live a life of ease
    Every one of us (every one of us) has all we need (has all we need)
    Sky of blue (sky of blue) and sea of green (sea of green)
    In our yellow (in our yellow) slubmarine (submarine, a-ha!)

  4. butimbeautiful
    March 23, 2013

    great idea! off to buy large quantities of post-publication champagne now!

  5. Louisa's Writer
    March 25, 2013

    Why are this year’s Bollywood International awards being held in Canada? Can you find out? This, by the way, is funny.

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