Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In developments hailed by the Italian mafia as ‘the greatest news since the invention of pasta’, the Railway Ministry has announced the immediate launch of ‘Prison-on-Wheels’, a special luxury train devoted to the requirements of convicted criminals. This was soon after the government passed a special ordinance over-ruling the Supreme Court, which had objected to convicted criminals sitting in parliament.
“This is just the first in a whole series of initiatives for criminals,” said a spokesperson for the government, who was out on bail. “For far too long, criminals have been one of the most neglected sections of society. We want to make up for centuries of discrimination, and we want to do it quickly, otherwise they might shoot us.”
Each train will be provided with a separate legal van, a personal Swiss banker, velvet-lined compartments for storing arms and ammunition, and autographed copies of ‘The Complete Poems of Kapil Sibal.’
Thanks to state-of-the-art investigative journalism, India Update brings you an extract from a special brochure, created to bring the journey alive.
“Traversing through the lush mining terrain of Bellary, the majestic Prison-on-Wheels will make a brief stopover at the scenic Chinnaswamy Stadium, followed by a visit to Pune to replenish water supplies, and an overnight stay in the fertile Delhi NCR area, before a leisurely trek through Uttar Pradesh, where passengers can watch burning villages through bullet-proof glass windows, and Bihar, where passengers are advised not to feed hungry cows, post which the train ends its journey with a traditionally warm Calcutta welcome, wherein each passenger will be personally painted blue by Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee.”
Will foreigners be allowed on the Prison-on-Wheels?
“We respect the legal systems of all countries,” said a ministry source, “If they have been properly convicted in a court of law, then why not?”