Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In news that has been hailed by the Mental Patients Association of India, one of the recovered buffaloes in the Rampur Buffalo Mishap has now named the culprits.
“We are very relieved as we were being blamed,” said a spokesperson for the mental patients, “Everyone thought only a lunatic would try to steal property from Azam Khan. Police have been barging into asylums across UP and interrogating us. Sometimes they search under our beds.”
Readers will recall that Samajwadi Party heavyweight Azam Khan suffered bereavement soon after returning from his World Tour, when seven of his buffaloes were stolen from his palatial Rampur farmhouse by unknown evildoers. Thanks to prompt action by SP Sadhna Goswami, ASP Devesh Pandey, DSP Aley Hasan, and close to one hundred policemen from six different police stations, all seven of Mr Azam’s four-legged friends have now been recovered.
“We were popped into a milk van and whisked away,” said Bhagmati, senior-most of the buffaloes. “Because of the richness of our diets, our milk is of the highest quality. Mother Dairy was suffering losses due to excessive competition. They wanted their ice cream to be richer and creamier. Hence we were held hostage in an abandoned warehouse near Shehzadnagar and milked thoroughly. I cannot sufficiently express my gratitude to UP police for their prompt action.”
SP Goswami reacted with characteristic modesty. “Unlike the AAP, we are not racist,” she explained, “The complexion of the victims was a non-issue for us.”
Sources report that this may not be the end of the story, as two of the recovered buffaloes are suspected to be imposters. A nationwide buffalo-hunt is being launched to find the actual escapees, involving RAW, CBI, the Intelligence Bureau, BSF, the Indo-Tibetan Border Force, NSG, Interpol, Scotland Yard and Angelina Jolie. Helicopters will also be deployed, as soon as they are delivered by Agusta Westland, as Mr. Khan has specified that only VIP helicopters should be used.
Speculation is rife as to their motives for disappearance.
“It could be that the buffaloes were apprehensive because of the law and order situation in UP, and chose to run away to somewhere safer, like Pakistan.” explained a CBI officer, on condition of anonymity, “Or they may have joined Mayawati.”
“The CBI is clueless, as usual,” said a spokesperson for RAW, “This was a simple case of mistaken identity. Terrorists were planning to kidnap Azam-ji, but due to poor evening visibility, they got confused.”