INDIA UPDATE

Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.

GOVERNMENT TO EXECUTE PEOPLE WITHOUT SPECTACLES


In news that has given a fillip to the rope manufacturing industry, the government has announced a packed schedule of executions in the run-up to the elections. “Afzal Guru had … Continue reading

February 12, 2013 · 8 Comments

NATIONAL ANTHEM TO BE REVISED TO INCLUDE SPAGHETTI


In news welcomed by food lovers, the government announced today that the national anthem will be revised to include a reference to spaghetti. In order to preserve authenticity, the revision … Continue reading

February 2, 2013 · 4 Comments

INFOSYS ENTERS ONION BUSINESS


In news described as ‘tear-jerking’ by the Wall Street Journal, Indian software giant Infosys has announced that it will henceforth be focusing on the onion business. “We were looking for … Continue reading

January 31, 2013 · 5 Comments

RUPEE SLIDE ARRESTED AFTER VADRA OPENS BUSINESS SCHOOL


In news that has led to widespread panic in Harvard Business School, legendary entrepreneur Robert Vadra has announced the opening of the Vadra School of Management, based in Haryana. Its … Continue reading

January 30, 2013 · 2 Comments

PARLIAMENT APPROVES QUOTA SYSTEM FOR INDIAN IDOL


In a move aimed at ending thousands of years of musical discrimination, the Lok Sabha has passed a motion demanding caste-based quotas on Indian Idol. “Due to the domination of … Continue reading

January 28, 2013 · 3 Comments

MADAME TUSSAUD DEMANDS RETURN OF DUMMY.


In news that has led to further deterioration in Indo-British relations, Madam Tussaud’s has demanded immediate return of the waxwork dummy of Manmohan Singh, supplied to the Government of India … Continue reading

January 28, 2013 · 7 Comments

RAMU WISHES YOU HAPPY REPUBLIC DAY


January 26, 2013 · 4 Comments

CASIO SHARES RISE AFTER CBI ORDERS POCKET CALCULATORS


Share prices of Japanese multinational Casio rose today post placement of a bulk order for calculators by India’s premier investigative agency, the Central Bureau of Investigation. The order was placed … Continue reading

January 24, 2013 · Leave a comment

UNEMPLOYED YOUTH, 42, AGREES TO RUN COUNTRY, HIRES SHERLOCK HOLMES


In news that has been described as ‘a ray of hope for the unemployed’, Rahul Gandhi, 42, has agreed to take a job. “They were ruining my shoes by crying … Continue reading

January 22, 2013 · 27 Comments

INDIA’S RICHEST WOMAN REFUSES TO VACATE BUNGALOW, SAYS COAL FOUND IN GARDEN.


In news that has led to an upsurge in digging, the Punjab and Haryana High Court has ordered Savitri Jindal, India’s richest woman, to vacate her government bungalow. Mrs Jindal … Continue reading

January 22, 2013 · 3 Comments

MAHARASHTRA LEADER BREAKS DROUGHT RELIEF FAST WITH 1000 LITRES OF WATER.


Residents of drought stricken Aurangabad rejoiced today, after prompt action by the government saved a local leader from death by starvation. Opposition heavyweight Gopinath Munde has been on indefinite hunger … Continue reading

January 16, 2013 · 2 Comments

SUPREME COURT ASKS POLICE TO FIGHT CRIME


In news that the Criminal Welfare Association has characterised as ‘extremely unexpected’, the Supreme Court has ruled that it is now compulsory for the police to register all crimes which … Continue reading

January 14, 2013 · 2 Comments

“THEY WERE ARRESTED FOR SAFETY PURPOSES,” EXPLAINS MAMATA


In news that has relieved activists, West Bengal Supremo Mamata Banerjee has clarified that the arrest of the women who had come to discuss issues of women’s safety with her … Continue reading

January 13, 2013 · 6 Comments

MYSTERIOUS GANG TO CONDUCT VASECTOMIES


In news that has caused widespread shrinkage, a mysterious gang of miscreants known as the Snipping Crew has announced a nationwide program of involuntary vasectomisation. “The career of Abhishek Bachchhan … Continue reading

January 11, 2013 · 1 Comment

DELHI POLICE CHIEF INVESTIGATES SELF, RECOMMENDS MEDAL


After a thorough investigation, a special task force has come up with a series of measures to help make Delhi safer for women. The task force, which does not hold … Continue reading

January 10, 2013 · 9 Comments

GOVERNMENT TO AUCTION POSITIONS ON E-BAY


In a move welcomed by Transparency International, the government today announced that henceforth, all government positions are to be filled through a process of auctions on e-Bay. “Given the trade … Continue reading

January 8, 2013 · 1 Comment

INDIA ANNOUNCES REBEL OLYMPICS


In a move hailed by sports enthusiasts everywhere, the Indian Olympic Association has formally seceded from the International Olympic Committee. This was after the IOC de-recognised the IOA for electing … Continue reading

January 5, 2013 · 12 Comments

NINETY SEVEN TRIBAL YOUTH FROM GADCHIROLI BEAT UP HOME MINISTER


In what analysts have described as a ‘terrible setback for VIP security’, ninety seven tribal youth infiltrated the Home Ministry early this morning, and administered a sound thrashing to Home … Continue reading

December 31, 2012 · 7 Comments

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