INDIA UPDATE

Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.

UP GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES MAJOR POLICE REFORMS


police

In a move which analysts have described as ‘a giant leap into the nineteenth century’, Uttar Pradesh Police will be issuing 800 bicycles to policemen in Lucknow, Kanpur, Allahabad, and Ghaziabad. The bicycles will be equipped with sirens, flashers, and small but tasteful man-purses.

“In an era of drones and stealth weapons, we wanted a police force that was simpler, cleaner and closer to the soil,” said a representative of the UP government. “We have also field tested the equipment. In nine cases out of ten, test subjects were able to overtake and apprehend absconding buffaloes. In the tenth case, the buffalo knocked over the bicycle.”

As part of this audacious metamorphosis, each of the four cities will now have state-of-the-art Police Control Rooms, equipped with the latest in surveillance and law enforcement equipment. A Rapid Alert System will quickly capture information regarding crimes in progress, which will be relayed instantly to the Cycle Squad Chief, after which bicycles with flashing sirens will shoot out of the police station in hot pursuit of the criminals. In cases where criminals lose control of their vehicles due to uncontrollable laughter, the officer is authorized to take a fifteen-minute hiatus in order to recover his breath, after which he is to apprehend the culprits, or provide them medical attention, as the case may be.

Most police officers have been supportive of the move.

“Obviously we would have preferred it if the election symbol of the Samajvadi Party had been a motorbike, or a Mercedes, rather than a cycle,” said one of them, “But look on the bright side. At least this didn’t happen when Mayawati was in charge. Her symbol is an elephant.”

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9 comments on “UP GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES MAJOR POLICE REFORMS

  1. Rajani Mukerji
    May 31, 2014

    Ha Ha Ha… a good dose of health tonic – a laughter to start the day 🙂 Thank U

    • shovonc
      May 31, 2014

      You’re welcome. And it’s mostly true, except for the man purses.

  2. vishalbheeroo
    May 31, 2014

    Sir! I enjoyed reading it during the day and hope some senses will be knocked inside Mr CM..what with disturbing news on our girls..the minister needs an infrared bicycle along with Neta-ji!!!

  3. Looks like something our President would be in favor of….as long as the safety helmet says ” UN Police” . Nothing like political satire…keep up te god work.

    • shovonc
      May 31, 2014

      Thank you, sir. Wish me luck! Out here it’s mostly against the law.

  4. yarnspinnerr
    June 1, 2014

    🙂

  5. longytv
    July 8, 2014

    Brilliant! How to be as funny and satirical as you sir?

    • shovonc
      October 14, 2014

      Keep reading the news! 🙂

  6. Bikramjit
    February 27, 2015

    🙂 hope it works

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This entry was posted on May 31, 2014 by in BREAKING NEWS!! and tagged , , , , .

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