Many physicists today postulate the existence of multiple universes, even when sober. We used to live in a world of infinite possibilities. Now we live in an infinite number of worlds. India shines. Democracy thrives. The economy booms. A hundred flyovers bloom. This is not that India. If you see your picture here one day, don’t worry. That’s not you.
In news that has evoked mixed reactions from women, the Board of Cricket Control of India has announced that Indian players will no longer be allowed to wear clothing while a match is in progress. This was after it was revealed that several players have been signaling bookies by stuffing towels into their pants.
Legendary batsman Sachin Tendulkar has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of the game. Film star team-owner Preity Zinta has announced that she will no longer be hugging players who perform well, while film star team-owner Shahrukh Khan has raised ticket prices at Eden Gardens and made himself a permanent member of the playing XI. Chennai Super Kings have hired former porn star Sunny Leone as wicketkeeper. Super Kings captain M.S. Dhoni has indicated that he will henceforth occupy the forward short leg position, in order to monitor her performance. Prominent Muslim leaders have dubbed the move ‘un-Islamic’, the RSS has termed it ‘anti-Hindu’, and the Catholic Church has requested BCCI to extend the dress-code to school cricket. Members of the Buddhist clergy have endorsed the move, so long as no Tamils are exposed. The Samajwadi Party has demanded that all members of the team who belong to Ordinary Backward Castes should be allowed to wear underwear, to compensate for centuries of discrimination. In an interview from a closet somewhere in South Mumbai, noted filmmaker Karan Johar has announced that his next film will be a searing expose of Indian cricket, shot mostly in slow motion.
In related news, the Australian Cricket Board has indefinitely postponed all forthcoming matches with India. “The Indian Board is constantly changing the rules, and we put up with it, because they have all the money,” said a spokesman, who was fully clothed, “But this is way too many balls on the cricket field.”